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Go Ducks | Cheerleader-eating Mascot Won’t Stop Oregon — Beer vs. Bread

A Mascot that Eats Cheerleaders: Need One?

cover your oysters, this Spartan means business

by Greg I. Hamilton on December 3, 2010

Wired magazine writers finally put down their Wii controllers (hacked to control their Second Life characters via their iPads or some other geeky crap) and got outside for a little football, sunlight, and pom-pom T&A. In doing so, they discovered a rash of cheerleader-eating mascots.

That got me thinking. At some point, every fan’s been disgruntled with their team. We’ve all needed that stupid mascot to cheer us up when we were down in the dumps. So if there really is a serial cheerleader-munching mascot out there, where would we most like to see his next attack?

UC Santa Cruz @ Oregon — The Ducks are serving up a 72-0 feast of the Banana Slugs when UCSC mascot, Sammy the Slug, tires of his diet of native rhododendrons. His victim, a sullen webfoot cheerleader, was caught unaware while longing for sunnier days in her native Arizona.

Michigan State @ SDSU — In the most theatrical (and grisly) mascot stunt ever, “Monty” of the San Diego State Aztecs, lops off that oversized Sparty’s head, rolls it down the stadium steps, and eats his still-beating Spartan heart. Anthropologists and Mel Gibson applaud the historical realism of the ritual.

tasteful reenactment of a streaking episodeFlorida @ every team they play all season — Albert E. and Alberta Gator make a new name for their struggling Florida franchise (What? Not Top 5?!) by mercilessly consuming each opposing team’s entire pep squad in the first quarter. Only the BCS streaker knows— duh— that you have to run zigzag to escape a charging alligator. The streaker survives the attack and becomes the new official national BCS mascot.

Tomorrow’s the Civil War in Corvallis; next stop, BCS Championships. Go Ducks!

Thanks for reading. Cheers,


Photos by Monica’s Dad (Spartan + Duck) and Rob Young (LegoStreaker)

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